the vynsane asylum

I am totally serious about this.

I want an incredibly stupid, big budget summer action blockbuster to end all summer action blockbusters. No story, a script written by a 10 year old kid with tourettes, with more holes than a factory full of swiss cheese.

Just lots of explosions and sex. Involve robots, ninjas, aliens, pirates, talking pigs, Al Qaeda--anything and everything. Have them fight for no reason, and screw for even less reason.

Get the Goo Goo Dolls and Celine Dion to record a duet for the soundtrack.

Cast known bad actors of the sort who are so bad that it's kinda cool, in a campy way: Lambert, Seagal, Hasselhoff, Shatner. Involve Leslie Nielsen in some capacity. Throw in at least one Oscar winner in a major role.

Do no research on anything. Just a lot of guesswork. Whatever links the boobs and explosions together for two hours.

In other words, like a huge, self-indulgent parody of a Michael Bay movie.

But here's the kicker: Make this the sequel, no matter how unconnected, to a film that's universally accepted as a true classic. Like Casablanca II: Rick's Revenge, or ET 2: Day of Doom.

Hell, that's what Hollywood does with sequels, anyway.

I'd see it. But I have a feeling it would turn into one of those "so bad it's good" movies.

Exactly. I want it to be a full-on parody of these shitty blockbusters, but so subtle that it's like Robocop, which I didn't realize was supposed to be a comedy until ten years and umpteen viewings later.

The ultimate Michael Bay parody has already been made:


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Yeah, but it's not subtle.

And it's not a sequel to Casablanca.

I just want to piss people off.

Schindler's List II: Secret Commando Doom Squad

Oscar gather together a ragtag team of scrappy underdogs and turns them into an elite team of ninja commandos. They go to Brazil and fight an army of Hitler clones bent of world domination. And their cyborg velociraptor army.

The irony is, it stars Liam Neeson. Because he'll do anything for a paycheck.

I have the idea for the ultimate Batman Movie. Actually it's a trilogy.

The first film in the trilogy would have Batman facing off against The Joker the Penguin, but with strong implications The Joker would be in the sequel.

The second film would have Batman facing off against his arch nemesis The Joker Scarecrow and or Harley Quinn. Or a mash up of those two characters.

In the final film, The Joker and his henchman Killer Moth show up!! Joker has Batman running all over Gotham City trying to prevent elaborate murders Joker is commiting and video taping to taunt the police and the Dark Knight. When the Caped Crusader finally corners his arch nemesis The Joker and the audience is totally psyched for a showdown three movies in the making!!! But it turns out The Joker is actually an out of work mime named Emanuel Fishbango. Batman then goes and confronts Killer Moth who pulls off his Moth Mask to reveal a guy with bright red orphan Annie hair who's smeared lipstick on his face screaming "I'm the Joker! I'm the JOKER!!!" Batman kills him before he can shoot up a movie theater.


I think Batman fans would be totally satisfied with that rendition of the Joker.