What's up with the pathetic remakes of shit

[Rollo Tomassi]

I haven't been to the movies since I took my kid to see Smurfs, but both the Apes and Conan remakes are on my list.

[anarky]

HOW THE FUCK is someone able to turn The Lorax into a fucking teenybopper romantic caper comedy? It's the Seuss book that even people who hate Seuss love; the ecological parable that even Texas governors have to appreciate.

Seriously, I think it says somewhere in Leviticus: "Thou shalt not fuck with one word of The Lorax, lest boils infest thy wang and thy ass be violated, yea, verily, by elephants with genital warts."

It's supposed to be fucking downbeat! There's hope at the end, but there's nothing cool about tearing down the fucking forest, so don't candy-coat it. The Lorax does not make silly cracks at the Onceler for laughs; he's only there to tell the Onceler what a fucking shithead he is! IT IS NOT A HAPPY BOOK!! And the kid's not supposed to be searching out a seed for some Taylor Swift-voiced bimbo; it's a huge responsibility thrust onto him without his asking for it, given to him by the penitent (and, yet, too goddamned lazy to do anything about it) Onceler.

Can't wait for the cartoon version of The Giving Tree where the tree and the boy explore Mars and fight wisecracking aliens voiced by Jimmy Fallon. We can't have that depressing ending, now, can we?

[Rollo Tomassi]

How about the remake of Old Yeller, where Old Yeller scores the winning touchdown at the end and then the family wins the lottery and moves to DisneyWorld?

[Rollo Tomassi]

They're making a pathetic remake of a shitty film called Valentine's Day.
It's called New Year's Eve. I know this because I keep seeing ads for it every five minutes. And after seeing the number of 'stars' in the film, it made me think of something. So I looked up the running time. It's 1:58. Subtract the opening and end credits and it probably around 1:50 give or take. According to IMDB, there's 103 speaking parts in the film! Of those 103, I'd say about 30 are 'name' talent that'd you recognize (I realize that's a subjective idea on some level, but you get the idea). That roughs out to about THREE MINUTES of screen time per 'name' actor.

Any douche that gets roped into seeing this film is a dumbass cracker.

[anarky]

Weren't that and Valentine's Day both shitty attempts to rip off Love Actually? You know, the English movie with a huge kickass ensemble cast and only slightly related parallel storylines around a holiday?

Or, as we call it here in America, "the movie with Qui-Gon and Snape and Mr. Bean."

[Rollo Tomassi]

I will have to give Kudos to Gary Marshall on selling this turd to the Studios. He figured if he crammed enough roles into one film, he doesn't actually have to craft a narrative. He can just write a slew of cliche commercial sized vignettes that don't allow enough time to for the characters to be formed before moving onto the next. He gets paid for about five minutes worth of typing, the actors all get paid for a couple hours work, and the studio eats the lossloss from a steaming pile. So, Marshall 1, WB zero.

[Ran]

I keep seeing the commercial for the movie "Chronicle". It looks like they took emo-Anakin from ROTS and put him in high school on Earth.

[Rollo Tomassi]

I saw a commercial for 21 Jump Street. I have to say the absurdity of making that show into a movie made me laugh. It would be hilarious is Depp cameo'd in it.

[Diabolical]

I saw a commercial for 21 Jump Street. I have to say the absurdity of making that show into a movie made me laugh. It would be hilarious is Depp cameo'd in it.

I'm guessing you meant IF Depp made a cameo.
Spoilers...he does.

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Based entirely on the trailers for John Carter it looks like the Arena Battle from AOTC is being pathetically remade.

[vynsane]

also, what's up with the removal of "of Mars" from the title? just "John Carter" sounds like any number of romantic dramadies. might as well call it "Alfie" or "Hitch" or "Jerry Maguire" and put the trailer to the tune of "every little thing she does is magic".

[RoIIo Tomassi]

That "Romantic Comedy" Trailer you just described started playing in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning, and I couldn't stop laughing for like ten minutes. It even had the cheesy VO with the guy saying "This Valentines Day he'll have to prove his love to the woman he loves! He'll have the entire world Seeing Red! With Love!"

Damn my non existent computer skillz.

[jjreason]

21 Jump Street & John Carter make me want to smash all my toys with a hammer. I just hate everything about movies right now.

[anarky]

I've heard John Carter is excellent (or at least insanely ambitious) and is being poorly marketed as a cheap action flick. I'd like to see it.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Andrew Staton as director is definitely in its + column.
But pasty Taylor Kistch and just about every commercial I've seen are in its - column. And Disney is sending out HUGE signals that it has no faith in the picture.