What's up with the pathetic remakes of shit

[Diabolical]

Red was in Robocop, so he wins.







Although Jackie did go down on Natalie Portman...but we were all winners with that one.

[anarky]

Red was already an established actor, though. Hyde and Jackie (and maybe a couple of others) had been in really minor roles in movies, but Kurtwood Smith had already been around for a while.

[Sleazer]

Jackie also went down on Macauley Culkin, so the Natalie Portman thing is just one step in the right direction.

[Rollo Tomassi]

I don't know that it exactly qualifies as pathetic (more like uninspired), but I went and saw Unknown with Liam Neeson today. I had previously called what I thought the entire premise of the film would be to a friend based solely on the trailer, and I turned out to be 100% correct. So when the "twist" happens, I could only yawn. You know what would have spiced up the film? When Neeson is doing January Jones from behind in the shower with the glass door, we see squished boobies on the glass instead of her clavicle the entire time. Double yawn.

[Ran]

NSFW!

Sir Mix A Lot agrees. Put 'em on the glass.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1rk89 ... lass_music

In order to watch it, you have to register at Dailymotion. Plenty of corn to be found there, too.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Here's the thing I don't get about The Adjustment Bureau (which qualifies for this topic by being something Rod Serling thought up 50 years ago...). It's about this guy that meets this woman he wasn't supposed to meet, and spends the rest of the film fighting against a bureacratic organization to try and "get the girl". Now here's my problem. the girl in question is the cross-eyed, woodface Emily Blunt. A woman who has all the charisma of a birdhouse, and the looks of third shift grocery cashier. WHY the FUCK would ANYONE put that much effort into being with her?

[Rollo Tomassi]

I saw a trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson's The Three Musketeers the other day. Talk about remakes. I'm not even going to bash this one that hard. First, because I'm not gonna hate on Anderson that much. Say what you will about his movies, but he's never tried to be anything he's not as a director. You walk into a Paul WS Anderson film and you're gonna get a Paul WS Anderson film. Now, if at some point he tries to pull a Michael Bay and make some epic period piece like Pearl Harbor II or something, then I'll say fuck him for being a poseur and tell him to get back in his wheelhouse, but until then, his films are B-grade shlock that are fun to rent, watch, and then forget about. And secondly, whatever he does with the three musketeers, its not going to be as shitty as the 1993 Disney version. But mostly what made me think about this new film is that if you look at the people cast as villains, I'm actually rooting for them over the prettyboy twentysomethings they have in the title roles. Christoph Waltz as Richelieu, Mads Mikkelsen as Rochefort, Til Schweiger as Cagliosto. I have no idea if Orlando Bloom's character is good or bad. I'd give him more props for breaking tradition and trying a villain role for once. Because clearly he's never going to do a film where he isn't swinging a sword. Seriously guy, first the LOTR films, then the Pirates films, then Troy, then Kingdom of Heaven(which is an awesome film by the way) and now this. You can't count BlackHawk Down where his big part was to fall out of a helicoptor. And I think he tried a romantic comedy that failed dismally. But that was by the guy that made Vanilla Sky, so you knew it was gonna suck ass.

[Sleazer]

I'll probably catch some flack for this (go ahead, I can take it) but I enjoyed the Scream films when they first came out (I agree Scream 3 was pretty weak but I still enjoyed it). Last weekend we went to see Scre4m and I had a blast, after seeing multiple remakes and reboots of some horror films for which I really loved the originals (F13th, Elm Street, Halloween, Chainsaw, etc) I really appreciated the fact that they incorporated the original cast in this flick and played with the whole remake/reboot craze. I know it's getting weak reviews and underwhelmed at the box office but I don't care, I enjoyed it. I'm 32 by the way, and found myself ONLY caring about the returning characters because all of the newbies really irritated me. Not sure if that's a factor of me getting old or just bad casting of the new crop of kids (could be a combo of both? Or maybe I am getting jaded toward many of the people I know in their early-20s...maybe I'm just an asshole).

Anyway, I saw Scre4m and it qualifies as a sequel, remake, and reboot all at the same time. Some (many) will say it's pathetic and that's fine but I had fun.

[The Grin]

The Fly: The remake of the remake is being directed by the guy that did the remake (Cronenberg).

Elm St.: Why? Why not? It worked for Halloween and Friday the 13th (apparently). This one has Rorschach as Freddy...so that's something.

I saw Friday the 13th with your mom. We sat in the back row. I didn't bang her in the theater, but we did have our hands down each other's pants. When I left the theater, my hand smelled like Jason's mask.

[Rollo Tomassi]

So they're 'remaking' Total Recall, right? Except they aren't basing it on the original short story 'We can remember it for you Wholesale' and they're not really basing it on the Verheiden/Ahnuld film either.


So...why the fuck are they calling it Total Recall?

[Ran]

So...why the fuck are they calling it Total Recall?

They forgot. How ironic.

[Rollo Tomassi]

What happens when you take Night at the Museum, replace the talking museum statues with talking animals?

You get a pathetic remake starring Kevin James called The Zookeeper. You can practically hear the conversation that took place at the Studio Board meeting that greenlit that one.

[Ran]

I would have guessed Dr. Doolittle.

[anarky]

I would have guessed a pile of shit.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Not exactly a remake that I can think (although it sounds like a tired premise) but definitely pathetic shit. Adam Sandler is making a film where he plays his own twin. And Katie Holmes plays his wife( and his sister-in-law). Sweet fuck, Adam. Just give up. Your best years are waaayyyy behind you. BARF.