Great Flantdigs in history

[Double_G]

Masayaf Flantdig (1585 BC-1550 BC, Egypt)

Masayaf Flantdig was the chief architect of the Pharaoh Khafre in Giza. Masayaf was given the task of designing the Pharaoh's pyramid. Masayaf had studied the other pyramids that had recently been built, but he wanted to take his design in a different direction. Masayaf ordered the slaves to build the pyramid upside-down, as he deemed the other pyramids as "fags". When Masayaf presented the pyramid to Khafre, the Pharaoh was furious. He shouted "Only a Flantdig could fuck this up!" before running Masayaf through with his sword. Masayaf's body was then thrown in the Nile river, where it became home to a nest of water rats.

Before the pyramid was demolished by the Pharaoh's army, it was historically recorded that there was a heiroglyph message on the founding brick of the pyramid. The message read "All hale doosh", followed by an engraving of the god Osiris fellating an ox. To this day, the enscription still leaves many historians puzzled, though they credit it to the massive heat stroke that Masayaf suffered while participating in a gay orgy in the middle of the desert shortly before his death.

This picture of Masayaf's pyramid taken from The Great Book of Flantdig History is an artist's rendering.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

It should also be noted that this inspired the upside-down triangle that became the symbol of homosexuality.

[Double Gs Daddy]

WELL HELL. I DUNNO ABOUT GREAT FLANTDIGS IN HISTORY, BUT THERE'S A MAVIS FLANTDIG WORKS IN PAYROLL DOWN AT THE FACTORY. SHE HAS A BOY, KYLE, WHO TOOK A VIDDER OF SOME CHICKS SHITTIN' IN EACH OTHERS MOUTHS OR SOME NONSENSE. I TOLD HER MY BOY DONE SHIT IN MY LOVE MAKIN BAD T'OTHER DAY. SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AND SAID "I KNOW IT...THEM BOYS ALL THE SAME."

YOU'RE A GADDAMN EMBARRASSMENT, BOY. A REAL PIECE OF WORK. GO MAKE ME A HOTPOCKET BEFORE I WHUP YA!

[Double_G]

WELL HELL. I DUNNO ABOUT GREAT FLANTDIGS IN HISTORY, BUT THERE'S A MAVIS FLANTDIG WORKS IN PAYROLL DOWN AT THE FACTORY. SHE HAS A BOY, KYLE, WHO TOOK A VIDDER OF SOME CHICKS SHITTIN' IN EACH OTHERS MOUTHS OR SOME NONSENSE. I TOLD HER MY BOY DONE SHIT IN MY LOVE MAKIN BAD T'OTHER DAY. SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AND SAID "I KNOW IT...THEM BOYS ALL THE SAME."

YOU'RE A GADDAMN EMBARRASSMENT, BOY. A REAL PIECE OF WORK. GO MAKE ME A HOTPOCKET BEFORE I WHUP YA!

Shut up, old man. The fuckin' Hot Pockets are expired.

[Double Gs Daddy]

IZZAT WHY YA DONE SHIT IN MY BED? THOSE 'POCKETS GO THROUGH ME LIKE GREASED WOODCHUCK! BETCHER THEIR EVEN WORSE AFTER THEY GO BAD. WHOOOO!

[anarky]

Robin S Flantdig XIII (3575-2007 (see below), dystopian future Europe and present-day USA)

This futuristic descendant of Snigtad Flornbi was born in a possible future where the Flantdigs ruled most of Europe. Time travel had been invented by Peruvian scientists in the year 2984; however, the Peruvians were the most powerful nation on Earth by this point (go figure), and only allowed their technology to be used by other nations for the purpose of sending androids into the past to try to change history.

Unlike his 20th century namesake, Robin was a super-genius. He became the first Flantdig to independently create time travel. As soon as he finished his experiment, he traveled to the 20th century to fulfill his lifelong goal: posting on the amazon.com discussion forums!

Robin did not reveal himself to any of the Flantdigs of our world, afraid of creating a hole in the time-space continuum. Instead, he married a mail-order bride from Arkansas a few weeks after arriving in early 2007.

Unfortunately, Robin was recently killed by the other people who waste their time on amazon.com's useless discussion boards, after posting this thread.

[Ran]

I haven't done the research yet, but did Percival von Flantdig have any relatives also in aviation? I've seen references to a Flantdig that was in some sort of German aircraft that crashed, however did not die on impact. It involved the famous quote, "Get out of that Fokker, fucker!"

[anarky]

Hudie Flantdig (1899-1950, Mississippi)

Hudie Flantdig was the grandson of freed slaves from New York. (They were too stupid to realize there was no slavery in New York.) He was born near Clarksdale and spent much of his early life picking cotton, then jacking off into the buckets he'd collected, thus rendering it unsalable. His family's farm was the most productive in the region, and they would have become millionaires had he not ruined most of their crop every year.

After being kicked out of his parents' basement at 32, Hudie began wandering the South. He came to know the blues through hearing the records of women like Bessie Smith and Ma Rainey. He realized these women must get a lot of dick, so he knew his true calling! He rechristened himself Little Blind Sonny King and began playing. Of course, having no talent, he was unsuccessful. He continued to wander, too poor to purchase a guitar and merely using pieces of dried grass taped to one side of a box. That is, until he encountered Robert Johnson. From Johnson, he learned that he could sell his soul to the devil at the crossroads to become a master bluesman.

Little Blind Sonny King journeyed to a crossroads, making a deal with the first man he saw. Unfortunately, he wasn't very bright, and, instead of to the devil, he had sold his soul to a sadomasochist known only as Ralph. Worse, since he couldn't read, he didn't realize that the contract stipulated nothing but that Little Blind Sonny King would now be the personal property of Ralph, and forced to wear a gimp suit and be buggered several hours a day. He died in captivity seventeen years later, a happy man.

Most of Little Blind Sonny King's music has been lost, as he was kicked out of studios before he could record. However, one obscure gem survived and was covered by the Spice Girls in 1997.

[anarky]

Mabel (1992-present, Wisconsin)

Mabel is the black sheep, so to speak, of her family. Her father was a Flantdig dairy farmer, and her mother was a cow. (Incidentally, Mabel's mother went on to get married and give birth to one legitimate daughter, The Cow.)

Mabel inherited her father's stupidity, but even a stupid human is a genius compared to an ordinary cow. Though despised by her family, she achieved success in Hollywood after running away to become a movie star. Her first role, as the singing cow in the Fleischmann's "Moove Over Butter" commercials of the early 90s, earned her a People's Choice Award and a Daytime Emmy. She also appeared in a prominent role in Top Secret!, despite being born eight years after the movie was release. It was as a model for Chick-Fil-A ads that she became a multi-gazillionaire. She then produced Kung-Pow: Enter the Fist, appearing in an iconic role in that film. However, even her money could not make this the Oscar contender she hoped for, and she spiraled into a deep depression.

Mabel vanished a few years ago after she was reportedly contacted by aliens. It is rumored she is now worshipped as a god named Da-Iry on a faraway planet where the inhabitants previously had no milk.

[anarky]

Unkoh (circa 790,002 BC, northern Africa)

Though his pivotal role in human evolution has been lost to the sands of time, Unkoh, the first known primitive man to bear the Flantdig gene, invented fire. He discovered this when he buggered his great-uncle's crusty old ass without the use of any lubricant, and the friction this caused quickly ignited the dried shit stains on his great-uncle's ass. Sadly, Unkoh was burned in the resulting blaze, and it was up to the other members of his tribe to formulate a way to harness fire (after discovering that Unkoh's cooked corpse tasted better than raw human flesh).

It wasn't for another 17,000 years that primitive man realized that he could get fire much more easily by hitting two rocks together.

[anarky]

Bump.

[anarky]

Sigurdur Flantig (1911-present, Húsavík, Iceland)

Although not truly "great" in the historical sense, Sigurdur Flantdig holds the honor of being the only Flantdig to actually request to be on the list of the Great Flantdigs in History.

The Icelandic Phallological Museum (Hið Íslenzka Reðasafn, in Icelandic) in Húsavík, Iceland (formerly in Reykjavík) is a museum devoted to phallology. As of July 2006, the museum houses 245 specimens displayed like hunting trophies, embalmed in formaldehyde, or dried in display cases. The museum attempts to collect penis specimens from every mammal in Iceland, including several species that are endangered or currently extinct in Icelandic waters.

Sigurdur Flantdig, a former teacher of Flantdig history at an institute in Reykjavík, is the founder (since 1974, when he was 63 years old) and current director of the museum, which also exhibits a few specimens from mammals not living in Iceland, as well as folkloric specimens (alleged elves, trolls, sea monsters, etc.) and penis-themed art.

Sigurdur has stuck every specimen in his anus at least once. Except for the hamster penis, he has stuck each in his anus, masturbated, and then stuck the penis in his mouth. The hamster penis was very small, and was feared lost until he found it in the toilet a week later. Even a Flantdig doesn't eat stuff out of the toilet.

Sigurdur achieved worldwide renown in 1993, when the meter-long elephant dick was lodged in his ass, and required the intervention of the entire American Gladiators team to extricate it.

[anarky]

Johannes Hubertus Flandtig (1957-present, Amsterdam)

Johannes was, until recently, a respected newspaper publisher, even though he only got into the business so he could wipe his balls on every copy as it went out the door and secretly laugh at how everyone in the Netherlands was using the newspapers to wrap up their fish at the market. In this role, he was often thought to be eccentric, as he typically used the editorial page to lobby against the legal use of marijuana in Amsterdam, though most readers thought this was a joke. Laws against pot in Holland? Good one, Johannes.

Johannes watched his publishing empire go down the tube in the early 21st century when he decided it would be funny to run a series of cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad in all sorts of demeaning positions. After riots ensued following his cartoon of Mohammad having sex with a goat while wearing a baby bonnet (the third in what was planned to be a series continuing daily for the next twelve years), he was forced out of the business and sent into hiding while the Dutch government tried to appease the masses of radical Muslims demanding his head.

Johannes retreated to his hovel on the Danube, where he focused more on his secret passion--being farted on by Canadian women. The only contact he has had with outsiders for the past two years are cryptic messages sent to a woman known only as "Mistrass Frankee" describing how he wants her to eat chili con carne and break wind directly into his nostrils.

In a curious bit of trivia, Johannes was named after a 16th-century ancestor, who came up with the cockamamie idea of a country that could be called Holland or The Netherlands, and whose people and customs would be described as Dutch.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Damn, this stuff is more coincidental than the EU.

[anarky]

Wustoff Flantdig (1480-1521, Holy Roman Empire)

Wustoff Flantdig was the college roommate of Martin Luther. Though his roommate preferred the company of women, Wustoff pined after him in one of the great tales of unrequited love. When Luther became a monk in 1505, Wustoff followed, intrigued by his mistaken assumption that monks wore no pants.

Wustoff was far from a model monk. He enjoyed sneaking out of the convent to sodomize the farm animals of the local villages. It was when, in 1516, he bought an indulgence to have his rampant bestiality pardoned by the Catholic Church, Martin Luther got pissed. He began to speak out against the abuses of the Church. Wustoff, in his idiotic and misguided attempts to impress (and bed) his former roommate, aped many of Luther's actions, albeit poorly. For instance, after hearing that Luther had nailed his 95 Theses to the door of a church in Wittenberg, Wustoff saved his turds until he could nail his 95 Feces to the door of the same church, two weeks later. (The church was subsequently closed for cleaning.)

Wustoff met once with the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V, regarding papal bulls. His stance, not surprisingly, was that the pope should not keep his livestock away from the masses, and that all should be able to anally abuse any bull (or other four-legged animal) that was the property of the Church they were a part of.

Wustoff died in 1521, when he took the term "Diet of Worms" a bit too literally, and ate nothing but worms for two months. Emaciated and unable to stand due to his constant vomiting up of the earthworms he tried to subsist upon, he died in November of that year, but not after convincing three other monks that a particular goat in the village would be able to heal his affliction. When he dropped trou and stuck his shriveled penis into the goat's anus, the other monks beat him to death and threw his body in the back of a passing garbage truck.

(Little-known fact: this area of what would become Germany had the best sanitation system in Europe at the time, even employing garbage trucks long before what was supposedly the invention of the automobile by Henry Ford almost four centuries later.)