Great Flantdigs in history

[anarky]

Since the dawn of time, members of the Flantdig family have made innumerable contributions to human history. In this thread, we shall honor some of the greatest.

Gustavo Flantdig (1438-1461, Wallachia)
Gustavo Flantdig rose from humble beginnings as the slave of a dirt farmer, toiling in his master's fields (and, just as often, his master's pants). After years of loyally serving the armies of Wallachia in defending the realm from Muslim invaders, he finally gained the personal attention of the ruler, Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes III, after the famed Battle of Dracula's Moat, in which an unarmed Gustavo personally killed at least 47 Ottoman invaders using only a pencil sharpener. He was then named the Chief Ambassador to the Turkish Prisons. His prestige was short-lived, though, as he died less than two years later. Though details of his death are lost to time, he was last mentioned in a 1461 entry in the diary of Archbishop Arzatli XVII, in which Arzatli wrote, "The soldiers engaged in much carousing after their victory at the Battle of Boratia, and enjoyed many drunken games of grabass and strip poker. Following an excessive binge upon Malibu rum, Ambassador Flantdig left the party, saying that he wished to lube up his ass and seat himself upon one of the many impaling spikes in the courtyard. It was the last anyone saw of him alive." Indeed, Romanian tradition is full of images of Gustavo dying after accidentally self-impaling his buttocks in a twisted attempt at sexual gratification.

[Zero]

WOW. THEY MADE 'EM AMBASSADORS YOUNG BACK THEN. HE WAS ONLY 23 WHEN HE...ERM...DIED.

[anarky]

Ruben Valtierra San Rafael de Flantdig Quesohablante (1586-1640, Madrid, Spain)

Very little is known of Ruben. It is known from tax records, however, that he was the next door neighbor of the famous Spanish novelist Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra in the early 17th century. Cervantes said of him in an interview in 1609, "Yeah, my asshole neighbor told me that no one would buy a book about a crazy guy who thinks he's a knight and attacks windmills. I hadn't really taken the idea seriously, but you pretty much have to assume everything this dipshit says is the opposite of the truth, so I wrote it. And it hit the Madrid Times Bestsellers List."

[Ran]

Fernando Sebastiano del Flantdig (1460-1493)

Most accounts of Fernando's younger years were lost in a horrible pasta accident in his hometown of Cagliari, Italy. However, the records of his final years are in tact. In 1492, he joined Christopher Columbus' expedtion across the Atlantic. He was assigned to the Pinta as a cabin boy. The night the Santa Maria ran aground, Fernando was supposed to be on watch. Instead, he was away from his post. In the confusion in the darkness, it was assumed that Fernando was lost at sea. When daylight broke, it was discovered that he was impaled on the ship's mast. His tomb in Hispanola reads: "He died with a smile on his face."

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Nigel Corkingsworth Flantdig (1612-1649)

This esteemed Flantdig served in both the Short and Long Parliaments, and used every excuse while there to make dick jokes. Though he supported Charles I and secretly loved him, he fought in the English Civil War as a Roundhead, since he liked the name. In his final penile misunderstanding, all he heard of the announcement of the king's decapitation were "Charles I," "head," and "city square." He showed up and forced Charles I to perform fellatio just as the guillotine cut off Charles' neck and Nigel's penis. He bled to death as he sat crying with the love of his life.

[anarky]

Moctav the Flantdig (approx. 2380-2350 BC, present-day Israel)

According to rabbinical traditions, Moctav the Flantdig was a neighbor of Lot, the nephew of the patriarch Abraham, in Sodom. When God sent two angels to determine if there were any good men in Sodom and Gamorrah so that he could reward them, they stopped at a bed and breakfast run by Lot. Moctav led a gang of drunken hooligans who wanted to rob the two angels. However, Moctav was the only one who was sober, as well as the only one who actually spoke the local language. (The other guys were French.) Moctav was more interested in having depraved buttsex with the angels, and his words are recorded in the Bible as if he truly spoke for the rabble. When Lot offered his two daughters instead of the angels, Moctav reportedly spit on Lot and waved his penis around while singing crude jingles about the angels' sweet asses. The angels were disgusted, pulled out their cell phones, and called God. God was so disgusted at Moctav's behavior that he not only forgot about rewarding Lot and his family, but he completely destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gamorrah just because he wanted to make sure Moctav was eradicated.

Historical evidence has not been found. However, in the recently excavated ruins of what is believed by many scholars to be Sodom, archeologists have found a skeleton with an incredibly small penis. Some believe this to be the skeleton of Moctav himself, as he is traditionally believed to have been cursed by God to sire descendants with ever-smaller pricks. That is, before he got blowed up.

[Snigtad Flornbi]

Im rubbering my glue, what u say baunces of me + stiks 2 u FAGGGGGG!!!!

[Double_G]

Augustus Flantdig (1833-1859, Dusseldorf, Germany)

Augustus was born to Stranz Flantdig, a goat shepherd, and Velma Einvahnstraffle, the town prostitute, in a barn in Dusseldorf. Augustus was raised to be a shepherd like his father, but he wanted his life to go in a different direction. When he was thirteen, he ran away from home and joined the Horst Traveling Circus. His job was to clean up after the elephants. In his spare time, he would make phallic sculptures out of the elephant droppings. This caught the attention of Franz Blucher, the ringmaster of the circus and a notorious pedophile (but this wasn't frowned upon back then, and even if it was, hey, it's Germany). Franz would often take Augustus into his trailer at night. It is believed that these are the origins of BDSM and bondage fetishes. Augustus and Franz later left the circus to open up the first-ever gay club in Germany, "Schlongenfreude", which eventually expanded into a chain across Europe. Sadly, Augustus never lived to see his business expand, as he died when a gerbil he had forced up his anus chewed through his stomach and liver.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Brian "Blaze" Flantdig (1980-2007)

This Flantdig frequently posted on bodybuilding forums, despite the fact that the heaviest thing he ever lifted was a man's penis out of his mouth. The most prolific thing that "Blaze" did in his life was further popularizing the term "AC Slater," which is used to refer to the act of defecating while sitting backwards on the toilet. Earlier this July, he performed an AC Slater while at his boyfriend's parents' house, only to be caught by his boyfriend's mother. After he told the story on his favorite bodybuilding website, taking careful steps to replace the word "boyfriend" with "girlfriend," he was shot in the face by a fellow forumite for being dumb as shit and wasting everyone's time with his pitiful story.

[anarky]

George Washington Flantdig (1732-1799, Virginia)

George Washington Flantdig was a black sheep of the Flantdig clan, and few Flantdigs today even remember that he existed. Born to farmers in what was then the British colony of Virginia, young George always found the rampant sodomy and accidental suicides of his relatives to be odd, and frankly embarassing. His shame in his family was so great that, beginning at the age of 10, he pretended his middle name was his last name. Only a few of his closest friends ever knew his secret.

George became a surveyor in his youth and served in the army. At 27, he was disowned by his family when he married Martha Custis in a flagrant display of his heterosexuality. According to legend, his cousin Rupert kicked him in the mouth, knocking out all his teeth. He then had to wear wooden teeth for the remainder of his life. (Only they weren't wooden; that's a myth.)

He became involved in the growing movement for independence, even going so far as signing the Declaration of Independence. (In an uncharacteristic display of his Flantdig heritage, George attached a second sheet of paper to the Declaration, addressed to King George, which reportedly read, "I wiped my ass on this paper, and you touched it! Fagg!! BUUUUUUURRRRRRRNN!!!!")

George went on to serve in the army during the Revolutionary War, in which he apparently did pretty well, as he got a pretty cushy desk job in the new government in 1789. His first order of business was an executive order in which everyone who knew his identity as a Flantdig was rounded up and burned at the stake. However, his purge was not total. A letter recently discovered at Monticello read:

Dear Tom,
You're a great guy, and one hell of a statesman. But you know too much. If you ever tell anyone that I'm a Flantdig, I'm going to tell them that you fuck your slaves.
Thanks,
George

George died in 1799. His impact on American society must've been impressive, because he's on the quarter.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Billiam Flantdig (1825-1864)

Though he held deep Confederate sympathies, mainly since he hated black people, Billiam was drafted to serve the Union under William Tecumseh Sherman in the Civil War. As Sherman led his famous march through the south and annihilated everything in his path, Billiam followed shortly behind, yelling "BUUUURRRRN he got u good bich lol" at civilians. Ironically, he was burned to death when he stayed behind at a blazing farm to get assfucked by a donkey.

[anarky]

Percival von Flantdig III (1895-1921, Italy)

Percival von Flantdig III lived in Italy around the turn of the century, where his German-sounding name got him kicked in the nuts many times. He became enthralled with aviation after seeing a picture of Orville Wright in a newspaper when he was 8, and asking (in German-accented Italian, of course), "Dude, who's that guy? Nice package!"

Following the Great War, during that somewhat weird time period when there were a shitload of airplanes all around the Mediterranean, Flantdig became an engineer. Though he considered his crowning achievement to be fellating Porco Rosso in a darkened tent before Rosso discovered he was not a hot chick, he is best remembered for the Caproni CA-60, the largest bastardized boat/plane hybrid ever. The intent was to build an enormous flying vessel which would house the largest mobile homosexual orgy ever, and could land in water so that the pilot could indulge in the festivities.

The official story of Percival's death is that the Caproni CA-60 crashed into Lake Maggiore after a brief test flight and caught fire, sinking to the bottom of the lake. However, Flantdig's sometimes lover and business partner, one Benito Mussolini (who would go on to be better known as the original Douche) lied to the press to cover up the horrible secret and keep investors from pulling out (which Mussolini didn't like anyone doing until he was good and damned ready). The Caproni CA-60 had flown, and flown quite well. Unfortunately, it had hit the same iceberg that the Titanic had struck about nine years earlier, and sank to the bottom. Ironically, though Percival was the only person aboard during this test flight, the black box records his voice saying (in German-accented Italian, of course), "God damn, there's an iceberg in the way! Watch out for the iceberg!" And, a full ten minutes later, a massive crashing noise followed by, "I fucking told you to look out for the iceberg!"

[anarky]

Larry S Flantdig (1961-present, California)

Larry S Flantdig always wanted to be an animator. He went to college (unlike most of his relatives) and, while still in school, found an internship with Hanna Barbera Studios. On one fateful day in 1979, the office was closed, but Larry (being a typical idiot Flantdig) went to work anyway. The head of the network called and Larry, being the only person available, was charged with handing in an episode of Scooby-Doo immediately. (Somehow, the studio had gotten behind in producing the show.)

Larry had his opportunity to shine. He wrote, animated, and voiced the entire episode himself in less than five hours! He even created a new sidekick for the team: Scrappy-Doo! He was so proud of himself.

When Hanna and Barbera saw the episode (which they were totally unaware of) airing that Saturday morning, they asked around at the studio to find out who was responsible. Thinking he was going to be rewarded, Larry stepped forward.

Unfortunately, for his role in creating the single most heinous affront to human decency of all time, Larry was banished from Hollywood. He still lives in his parents' basement in Pomona. He rarely leaves the house, as he can no more than show his face in the doorway before being pelted with rotten fruit by people shouting, "You fucking ruined Scooby-Doo, asshole!!"

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

At least he went to college and got an internship at age 8. No matter who you are, that's pretty damn impressive.

[anarky]

D'oh!!

I copied his birthdate down incorrectly from The Great Book of Flantdig History, and have now corrected it.